Laguna Loire Tells It Like It Is
by ede-insnity
Summary: Really doesn't need an 'R' rating, but there is some coarse language and references to porn...Overall, I was just bored and wrote what Laguna thought of each of the other characters. R&R!


Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of these characters. With that, any cracks made at homosexuals or the German porn industry is not be offensive. It is simply something that came to me. So no one kill me. Please?

Hey there. My name is Laguna Loire. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. 'He's that hot guy from Final Fantasy 8!' Yes, kiddies, that's true. It IS me. And that's my real name. They used everyones real names in the game, regardless of the fact that we all whined, bitched, and squealed for them not to.  
I'm wiritng to tell you the real story behind all of the cast members.. Yeah, on the outside the game is mostly pleasant, one of the better titles in the series if I do say so myself, but the people involed, DAMN, they were weird. Idiots. Well, most of them anyway. Let's start off with a Mr. Squall Leonhart. They cast him as my SON? Seriously, the kid is only three years younger than me. I know I look older.but..THAT MUCH OLDER? I hated him from the start because of that. He got to be the 'hero' and I got to be his lowly father. I definetly got the shitty end of THAT stick.  
Then look at him. He had hair extensions throughout the whole thing because the kid has short spiky hair in real life. Meanwhile, I have long luscious locks. What damsel in distress wouldn't want me instead of him? Idiots at Squaresoft. Yeah, Squall thinks he's so hot because he got to be the main character. Then again, look at who his love was.

A Miss Rinoa Heartilly, I presume? Now, you thought I hated Squall. Well, that's got nothing on this biotch. Oh My WORD! I have never met anyone with a lower intelligence than her. Did you know that she's actually blonde? I have no idea why the Hell they cast her as Rinoa. Fuck, I would've made a better Rinoa. Of course, the game would have had to have been a Gender-Swapping Yaoi or something..But still. All day long she would sit there and WHINE about EVERYTHING. 'My nail Broke. I want some soup. My feet are cold. YOUR FACE IS DUMB!' Whoa, sorry. Carried away by hate-filled memories. Yet, I still can't stand her.  
Let us move on now.

Speaking of blondes, Quistis. She was a real blonde, but not stupid. I'm sure they cast her as the teacher because she was the smartest person there. That and she made good material for kinky teacher drea-....Yeah, I didn't have too much of a problem with her, except she was ALWAYS On her cellphone. ALWAYS. They had to pry it from her hand to get her to do a scene. Even so...ugh. Moving on.  
IRVINE KINNEAS! THAT LITTLE BITCH! He was the only man on the set who could rival me in looks. No, I am not gay, but the man had some pretty hair. BEAUTIFUL hair. And it was longer than mine..And he got to be a cowboy. Meanwhile, they just called me the 'Desperado' Why didn't I get the cowboy garb? I'm sure the women would've responded to me being a cowboy more so than him. He got to be the ladies man. What did they make ME out to be? Sort of a lady-man.  
Seifer Almasy. Ugh, need I talk about him? I can sum it up in like, a sentence. Drug-abuser, alcoholic, homosexual with a bad haircut. There. Did I say enough, or should I embellish? Embellish it is. So, Seifer had a little drug problem. A little..'shoot em up with a gal named Heroin' problem. He was also an alcoholic. I do believe the man had a beer bong hidden in that fat coat. See, originally they wanted him to wear a black leather trench, very tight, (Like Sephiroth...) but he said he couldn't do that. So, he got that awful Goodwill style fat coat. Homosexual...well, I don't think I need to explain anymore there except that his flame was a certain man named Setzer from a certain video game series that need not be mentioned at this point.  
Oh..speaking of things that needn't be mentioned, I come to Selphie Tilmitt. Okay, so the girl had legs. But, like, she was actually about fourteen or so. So, that wasn't so cool. I swear, if I ever have to hear her rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' ever again, I'm going to shoot myself. Can we say, WARBLE? It's a good thing Faye WONG sang the theme, and not Ms. Tilmitt. I think she was fifty-five percent deaf in one ear anyway.  
Now, there was one fellow I got along with great, and that was Zell Dincht. Sure, in the game he's annoying as Hell, but in real life the man is awesome. If I was a homosexual, I would date him. And Irvine. But I'm not a homosexual. So anyway, He's actually in a band called 'SlimXLobster'.' He's the drummer, badass one too. So I didn't mind him.  
Next up is a Ms. Edea Kramer. And Cid Kramer. However, as they were married in the game, they are not in real life. It just so happened that they had the same last name. So what did Squaresoft do? They cast them as a couple. Seriously, Edea is way too hot to be involved with a certain Cid. A certain Cid who should really find someone his own age. Honestly, he's about fifty and has never had a girlfriend. He spends his time collecting stamps. And they aren't even cool stamps. One day, while Squall was out sick, we had to stop the filming, and Cid took that as an opportunity to sit everyone through a four hour seminar on his extremely boring stamp collection.

Well, back to Edea. She really was quite mean, but I think that's because she was cast as a Sorceress. Maybe she was just a really good actress who liked to stay in character even when not filming. Either way, most of us got along with her despite the random waves of bitchiness. That and she had all the best German porn. She wasn't even from Germany, but somehow she had obtained the best of the best from there. Well, except for the extreme footage of beastiality. That was NOT cool.

Kiros Seagill was like, really lethal. Those blades he used as weapons? He really knew HOW to use them, unlike the rest of us who were just given weapons on the first day...but..more about that later. Kiros was the bomb. We never really got to know each other all that well, because, well, he was always hanging out with Cid (ew.) But what I can tell you is, if you ever meet Kiros, don't tempt fate and say something snide or rude. That could get you a permanent role as the Headless Horse(wo)man.

The last person that I care to talk about is Ward Zabac. He was a big guy. I mean, seven feet tall?! That's like a skyscraper to me. I felt like a bug next to him. I think Square did it just to spite me. I mean, first make me some kids DAD and then make me feel even more low. Sniff So anyway, Ward was a bodyguard for a Miss Aeris Gainsborough, former actress. I guess he lost his job after her unfortunate death in the filming of FF7. (Damn Square put it in the game. That was way lame. They made it look like part of the game. Lame. Do you like my rhyming skills??) Ward was a cool guy. He didn't talk much, which was why the role of Ward was perfect for him. He got to be a mute for most of the game.  
Remember what I said about the weapons? Oh, that was a ghastly day..However, that's for my next installment..!!


End file.
